Vengeance has no Mercy! (Knee-thrust!)

Lucky for me, the streets were pretty much cleared of snow when I began my trek this morning. The downside was the heavy fog that set in around Piqua (perhaps the fog, too, was strong, vibrant, growing!) that reduced visibility to about 50 feet, and looked like that one scene in Fargo, or the video for "Karma Police" without Thom Yorke walking backwards and burning me. I survived the killer fog and arrived at Bowling Green a little early, so I decided to induldge in a little breakfast heroin: the Sausage McGriddle.

Now, I know that this is a 100% artificial sandwich, molded from corn syrup and advanced chemical "taste-makers." However, of all the fast-food breakfast "foods," I find myself craving McGriddles and getting cold-turkey-shakes, so I've gotten in the habit of eating one every other week, even if they do make my pee smell orange.

Without a doubt, the single most important thing that happened this weekend was my watching THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE. The rest of today's blog will be devoted to this topic.

The Protector

(While that would make a sweet movie, let's try it again)

Actual Movie Tagline: "Vengeance Has No Mercy!"

That's an image of Tony Jaa, the Thai answer to Jackie Chan (who has a sweet, albeit minor cameo in Protector), surrounded by 50 or so goons with broken bones. This is one of the few movies where there is literally nothing I can say about this movie that will be an exagerration. When I say, for example, that the movie's climax involves a 6'10" Australian Strongman suplexing an elephant, you will see an elephant getting its elephant ass dropped!

The elephant (of course!) is the driving force for the film's "plot," as Tony Jaa's Cam, a traditional Muay Thai elephant bodyguard, must hunt down the evil drug gang leader/dominatrix who steals his elephant. The elephant is stolen, at considerable cost and effort, so it can be served as a black-market entree in Sydney, Australia. None of this, including the film's overly explicit pro-Thai-culture ideology, is as important as the bat-nuts crazy fighting from Jaa. And so, I present:

Ways Tony Jaa will kick your ass, according to The Protector: (with no repeats)

• He will come flying from offscreen and hit you in the throat with his knee
• He will wait until you and a friend are on either side of him, then kick you in the knee while simultaneously punching you in the eye
• He will jab you in the face, so that you back up against a wall, then kick you through the wall
• He will choke you with the handcuffs you put on him, but let you go otherwise unhurt because he respects the law
• He will wrap the strap of your leather jacket around your throat and tie it to your belt, so you choke yourself when you try to fight back
• He will kick the bulb out of a 10-foot high streetlamp and scare you away, since you're not worth any real effort.
• He will perform a blackflip while you ride your dirt bike underneath him, then grab you by the helmet (that you wear for safety) and snap your neck
• He will walk up the side of a plate glass wall and let you drive through it on your spike-covered 4-wheeler (presumably your ass is kicked by the glass wall)
• He will head-butt you in the throat
• He will smash a large vase over your head
• He will kick you through a decorative lattice
• He will through you down a 4-story staircase
• He will punch you in the groin while you attempt to do a one-handed handstand (while breakdance fighting)
• He will beat you with the drumstick to a giant cermonial gong, while using a second drumstick to block your measley Kung-Fu broadsword
• He will let you think you beat him the first time, so that you're overconfident later (see below)
• He will snap every bone in your arm
• He will snap all but one bone in your arm, then lift your arm between hin knees and snap the remaining bone
• He will kick you in the shin, so you fall forward and smash your own head on his waiting knees
• He will stand on your foot, then push you down, breaking your ankle
• He will let you kick him in the knee, and let the strength of his unmoving knee break your kicking leg
• Since you are overconfident from the first time you fought him (see above), he will let you rush him, then he will trip you by log-rolling underneath you
• Once you've thrown him into the skeleton of his favorite elephant, he will tie elephant thighbones onto his forearms, climb onto your shoulders, and smash your head (with the thighbones, of course)
• He will break the thighbones into sharp pieces, then cut every single tendon in your body, while you stand there, quivering
• He will jab the remaining thighbone through your foot, then wail on you while you can't get away
• Since you're an old man (and a cripple), he will not fight you until you attempt to fly away in a helicopter, then he will jump straight up and kick you in the head, making you fall out of the helicopter
• After you stab him with a hidden sword cane, he will let you fly about 15 feet away from the rooftop, hanging from said helicopter. Then he will ump off the roof and knee you in the face.

GREATEST MOVIE EVER